“Am I just wasting time?” Me, just a few days ago.
Today is Monday. A new week. A new day and I’m curious what God is going to make of it.
Last week was brutal though. In just about every area of my life I felt withdrawn and discouraged.
Last week was full of chaos, loneliness and frustration.
By the end of the week, I was convinced I was disqualified.
Disqualified because I made mistakes.
Disqualified because I was tired from the intense schedule.
Disqualified because I wasn’t good enough and by the time the week came to an end I was so internally focused I lost track of the why.
Why was I called to do this work?
Why I was a mother?
Why was I a wife?
Why I was a community member?
I became so focused on myself and my feelings I lost perspective.
Life is bigger than me.
It was so easy for my mind to be led off course.
The devil offered me lies, and I took the bait.
I began to second guess my calling, question my gifting and my worthiness.
“Am I just wasting time? Am I working my tail off for just a handful of my friends and family to read a blog?” “I thought I was called for a “greater” purpose… this just feels like “greater” work, and I’m feeling worn out because of it.”
I was then quickly led down the road featuring all my failures. Quickly unravelling. Not my best faith moments if you ask me.
“Do you have a learning disability?” – Grade 12 teacher
“You’re fired” – 6 weeks into my dream job
“You will have this disease for the rest of your life” – Medical Specialist
Memories were brought to my mind of people questioning my abilities, disqualifying me, and limiting me.
I became so focused on myself and why I can’t I lose focus.
Thank you God, for creating music!
I went out for a long walk by myself to try to shake off this heavy blanket and see through these lies.
I blasted worship music so I would stop listening to the limiting voices in my head and refocus on God.
The song “Who You Say I am”, by Hillsong played and I stopped in my tracks.
“I am a child of God, yes I am”. Nothing more, nothing less.
Nothing else matters, no task, achievement, goal or mistake. Regardless of what I do I will always and forever be a child of God.
Then the second song played.
“Just Want You” by Sarah Reeves.
“I don’t want it, if you’re not in it. I just want you.“
Aww… there it is. It’s not about me.
Third song: “Spirit Lead Me”, by Michael Ketterer. “I’m done chasing feelings, Spirit lead me.”
God has made me for more than this.
My pace started to increase. New purpose began flowing in my veins.
My focus began to return to God and off of myself.
I am a child of God, I want to serve God and He can overcome anything that comes against me.
My week of feeling disqualified ended with the fourth song.
“Not Today”- Hillsong.
“Let the devil know not today, not ever again.”
The devil’s lies and attacks took my week, but he is not taking a single minute of the next.
Whether you are a stay at home mom questioning your calling as you prepare the millionth snack for your kids or a pastor looking out to a congregation of 50 people instead of the hundreds you thought God was calling you to, tell the devil that he is done and you are going to keep move forward no matter what lies he tempts you with, no matter what failings happened in the past, no matter what mistakes you made yesterday or today.
You are a child of God.
He knows your heart is to serve Him and He is greater than any limiting lie the devil is telling you.