Who do You Think You Are!?
“You don’t have enough education.”
“You’re too young.”
“You’re too plain”.
“Your too fat to be on stage”
“You are a nobody.”
“You don’t know enough about the bible”.
What a tsunami of self-doubt!
As I take steps towards building Hope Made Strong the doubt is hitting me hard.
My goal is to empower and strengthen God’s people through hope and practical tools for strong mental health, but it feels that as I move closer to launching, the assaults and attacks on my own mental health are getting stronger.
The other day while looking up conferences and the topics leaders are speaking to I started noticing who the speakers were.
The thoughts of “who do you think you are” started off as a small voice and then within 10 minutes my mind was filled will assaulting thoughts of “ Who do youthink youare”.
It was obvious these were lies.
And the devil was trying to distract.
However, even with the knowledge that these thoughts were lies, they were still very effective.
Looking up conferences turned into looking up the bios of the speakers.
And then the shouting turned into hammering waves of doubt and self-deprecation.
“Look at her/him. They have a PhD… what do you have… a simple undergrad degree.”
“You work in a small town’s community mental health program. They travel the work speaking with influential people.”
“No one cares what you have to say, you are just a simple social worker.”
For 45 minutes I sat there pouring over the bios, the publications and the successes of these well established, highly educated, outwardly successful people.
This ended with crying, doubting myself, the business, the name, God’s call, and my purpose.
“Who do you think you are. No one wants to hear what you have to say.”
“Go back to where you came from.”
“Stay small, you can’t be anything but a small town social worker.”
Armed with the knowledge that this is a lie and distraction from the devil I shut my computer and determined to not be stopped and move forward.
However, the heaviness from the pounding assault lingered for days.
Once the seed of comparison was sown it began to grow in the rest of my thoughts.
Friends were coming over turned into “my house isn’t as clean as hers.”
Watching my husband play with our kids became “He’s is a better parent than me.”
I even compared myself with a stranger in line at the grocery store because “they are buying healthier food then me.”
What was happening!?
The seeds of comparison were sown and they were eroding my happiness, my hope, and taking over my mind even when I was laughing while tobogganing down a hill with my precious children.
This is how the devil does it.
This is his signature move.
If you take the mind, you take the life.
In Genesis 2:7, God breathed life into Adam. God was a part of the very core, the DNA, the very life inside of humans. All of God’s perfect creation was surrounding Adam and Eve.
With the life of God within them and perfect creation all around them, how was it that Satan would bring separation between man and God?
The devil manipulated, distorted and twisted the process in which we observe and understand what is around us. He separated us from the life inside of us and the good life around us. And he starts with our thoughts. He took life, by distorting our thoughts and beliefs from the inside out.